tammytoes

I wonder if sometimes I deliberately seek out too much work, over-responsibility, in order to excuse myself from thinking about meaning and implication. I fluctuate between too busy and near vegetative tired in order to escape the quiet times in between, during which I have to think about the what’s it means and what about thats. I don’t write when I’m too busy. I shut down the creative center in favor of the logical, the task-minded, the swept up. I fool myself by pretending this is more productive than it actually is.

In other news, my ass is quite possibly as sore as it ever has been from a fall at practice last night. That’s all I’m going to write about derby tonight, for I have bombarded most of you with too many derby tales to speak of already.

A few months ago, I was visiting my friend Kari in Colorado Springs when she had to stop and purchase gas. The pump she was using shut off at some un-round number, like $15.82. I expected her to manually pump gas to some round number, like $16.00. Instead, she just withdrew the pump, screwed on the gas cap, and went on with her life. This, to me, seemed like a revelation. I have always sought the round number when pumping gas, and have been frustrated countless times when the meter hit $11.01 or $7.52. As if those extra pennies meant something. Last weekend, I threw exactitude to the wind. I purchased $13.76 worth of gas. I made no attempt to reach $14.00 – or even $13.80. This didn’t change my life, but it did feel rather liberating not to care.

We have had thunderstorms almost every day this summer in Denver. This is the Colorado summer of my childhood, full of deliciously cooling winds and full-throttled rainstorms. It has made me so happy to see it come back. I remember watching the rain from the orange couch of my childhood living room, counting between the lightening and thunder. The trees are so green this year and the nights seem very alive.

Last week at the high school, a fifteen year-old goth kid comes up to me during class and says, “I’m going to get out my cds and show you a couple of bands you probably remember because they’re REALLY OLD. They’re from the EIGHTIES.”

Sigh.