tammytoes

Happy Halloween, everyone! Because this is the most fabulous time of the year, I’ll put aside my normal ranting and raving to wish everyone a wonderful day!

For those of you in Denver, dress warm and be safe!

Rod Roddy, RIP. Now I’ll never know if he was really wearing any pants under his jackets.

Today’s Calvin Watch: Calvin has been spotted pissing on “Ex-Girlfriend.” Now you don’t even have to be an embittered ex-spouse to denigrate your former partner on your big ass truck.

I’d like to give a big cheer to my friend Leonard, slogging away at grad school in Michigan. With the days getting shorter and the work not going away, I’m sure that laundry seems like a pipe dream. I’m cheering for you!

Yours truly just went to see ‘The Texas Chainsaw Massacre’ at the local gigaplex and I must admit that it’s not a half-bad little slasher flick, as long as you don’t compare it to the original. The cast could come straight out of ‘Dawson’s Creek,’ and so could the dialogue, but there are some genuinely scary Leatherface-poppin-up-all-over moments. R. Lee Ermey reprises his psycho-drill-instructor genius from ‘Full Metal Jacket’ as a psycho-sheriff in this film, and he’s always a welcome addition to any film. The beginning and end of the film are very Blair Witch, featuring crime scene “footage” designed to convince you that the story is true (the serial killer Ed Gein is the “inspiration” for this film and the original – and also was the inspiration for ‘Psycho’ – but neither film delves into actual details about him, other than his affinity for leather neckties). The film is gory and gruesome and features some very tense moments, but in the end it’s pretty standard slasher fare. Leatherface chases teen, teen fights back, teen gets hung up on meathook, etc. What I find so interesting about this remake is the fact that we get a backstory on Leatherface, a psychological reason for his actions and a family story to go with it. None of this existed in the first film, in which Leatherface’s family just seemed to sprout up out of a vast Texas wasteland as cannibals, feeding off of hapless tourists. I think the unexplained Leatherface is vastly more disquieting than the villain of this remake. And I also think filmmakers have responded to our culture’s insatiable appetite for serial killer films, CSI clones and FBI dramas. We absolutely want to know, have to know, what makes killers tick. I’m not sure why, but the use of exposition about it in this ‘Massacre’ makes the film a lot less scary. All in all, I must admit that I enjoyed the few very jolting moments of the movie, but overall it was kind of like watching Leatherface tear through a Diesel Jeans ad.

Two other missing elements from this remake: humor and cannibalism. The 1978 film, directed by Tobe Hooper, was gory and no-budget, and also had some hilariously awful moments. Things get so out of hand when Leatherface dons a wig and puts on lipstick to serve dinner to his family (there is no grandma character in the first film) that you just have to laugh. The second element – cannibalism – is really missed in this remake. While meat references, slaughterhouses and livestock abound (not to mention scantily clad runway-riffic actors who are little more than meat in this movie) I really missed the cannibal overtones in this film. The remake moves from cannibalism to psycho-family drama and the latter is radically less interesting than the former to me.

I love cannibal movies. I think they are terribly unsettling to most viewers, and I have a vegetarian passion for them. I also love films like ‘Babe’ and ‘Chicken Run,’ because the dark undertone of those movies is all about slaughter. How can you watch something you’ve identified with for two hours get killed and served for dinner? I think they’re delightful. Two cannibal movies I would strongly recommend: ‘Parents’ (1989), a twisted tale of suburban cannibals that answers the question about what leftovers are left over FROM and ‘Ravenous’ (1999), a hilarious Antonia Bird film that connects cannibalism to manifest destiny – just briefly – and then entertains the hell out of you. If you haven’t seen ‘Ravenous,’ I suggest skipping this latest ‘Chainsaw’ and renting it on DVD. Or the original ‘Chainsaw’ for that matter. It’s a classic.

Speaking of movies, have you seen the trailer for ‘The Return of the King’ yet? I am COUNTING THE DAYS until December 17th.

One more thing: if you’re finding yourself as frustrated with the world, international politics and the new Disney movie based on one of their freakin’ Disneyland rides, try poking Alex in the Eye. Go on, it’s fun. Keep poking. You’ll feel better.

Yours truly was on a bit of a hiatus to get ready for Halloween and get her mentoring program up-and-running last week. My apologies for the lack ‘o blog…

Today’s Calvin Watch:

Calvin is now in drag and praying. Calvin Watchers have reported that they’ve spotted Calvin with long hair, kneeling before a large cross. All things considered, I find a biblical cross-gendered Calvin rather kinky, but I’m sure that’s not what the driver had in mind.

Frivolous Lawsuit of the Day:

A woman with a “sensitive palate” is suing Smucker claiming that their jelly is less than the 100 percent fruit that they’ve claimed. Sure enough, her attorney’s tests have proved that Smucker’s strawberry jelly is less than 50 percent strawberries! *GASP* While I’m intensely disillusioned by this lawsuit (I’ll never be able to eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich innocently again – how could I have been so dumb????) I can’t believe she’s actually taking them to court. Hey, wait a minute. Is there any actual butter in peanut butter? If not, I’m suing the hell out of Jiff.

More Notable News:

This past weekend, Denver cops increased the number of people they’ve shot to death this year to eight. And the District Attorney decided not to file charges in the recent police shooting death of a developmentally disabled teen boy. Keep up the good work, guys!

The White House reports that the federal deficit for 2003 climbed to a chart-topping $374.2 billion! But, hey, that’s good news, because the original White House projection was $455 billion. What’s $80 billion or so between friends? But don’t worry…the deficit might only climb to $500 billion next year before we start our road to economic recovery. I feel much better now.

Jeez. Let’s be good to each other out there.

Friday night I finally went to see ‘School of Rock,’ the new Jack Black heavy metal lovefest. What can I say? I loved it. Totally formulaic, totally feel-good and it TOTALLY ROCKED. Bless Jack Black and Richard Linklater for making a movie that could have gone horribly awry if, say, Chris Columbus had directed it or Adam Sandler had starred in it.

[Total digression: I believe that Jack Black and Phillip Seymour Hoffman are twins who were separated at birth to pursue radically different paths. One a comic marvel, one a dramatic genius. Let me know what you think.]

‘School of Rock’ is intensely amusing, chock full of music references and fun characters that kept me giggling the entire time. I’m absolutely not going to ruin one single moment from the movie talking about it. If you need a laugh, if you had as shitty of a week as I had last week, please get thee to the movies to see ‘School of Rock.’

One more thing: one of my favorite things about kids has to be that they DANCE – whenever or wherever they need to. I love it when I see kids so totally overwhelmed by a piece of music or music accompanying a scene in a film that they start to wiggle around and finally, after holding it in for a few moments, they just burst out into dance. This happened to a kid sitting next to us during ‘School of Rock.’ He just got so totally into ‘Bonzo Goes to Bigturg’ by the Ramones (a song I’m sure he had never heard) that he started squirming around until he finally just started rocking out in his seat, arms and heads thrashing about. Of course, I wished that I could be doing the same thing.

Two more items of note for your Sunday evening:

Here’s a nifty infographic about the size of $87 billion. I especially like the photo of W at the bottom.

Saturday was National Coming Out Day! Lots of love and hugs go out to all my friends and family – gay, straight, bi, transgendered, charmed, strange, awkward, suburban, distant, or nearby.